Epic Mel
by metalfaceofdoom
Summary: During his struggle for truth and justice, our protagonist meets Mel, who teaches him more than he ever thought anyone ever could.  In this enthralling narrative, our protagonist learns to love, and finds himself in the process!


I was in a waffle house in Atlanta when I met her. I was out of town, on business. My profession? That's not important. Let's just say, I'm a man of action...Heh.

My day started out bad. The entire (expletive) world was blocking me from my breakfast. I know, because I was looking into my binoculars into the car a few places down and saw a woman staring back into the face of her infant child, shaking a rattle, and they were both laughing. Laughing at me. I will make them pay.

Then I got to the restaurant, and to say the least, it was horrific. I tried to win something from the claw machine while I waited for the greeter to seat me. I wasted $40 on that stupid (expletive) claw machine, but despite my best efforts, I did not win a single prize. Maybe if the owner of the restaurant hadn't gone to Satan then it would have been a little more fair. When I confronted the greeter about this, she said she didn't know what I meant, and asked if I wanted a kids or adult menu. She knows, and more importantly, I know, what I was talking about. I was going to expose her, oh yes, but after I had eaten. Since, in my experience with hot girls, they all want to have sex with me, except the ones who lied to me, and said they didn't, and I didn't want to cause a stir, because she would have done something drastic if I broke her heart, like cast black magic on my oatmeal and control my mind with it. Later, I told myself.

Needless to say, I didn't order any oatmeal, but what I ordered isn't important. What is important is her. She's all that's important. Her name was Mel. She had a pearly white complexion, and her golden hair fell down to her rounded shoulders. Her eyebrows were finely trimmed, and looked permanently inquisitive (This caused her to have a particular mystique about her, as if she was of a divine origin). Her eyes were lined, her lashes synthetically deepened. Her lips were colored a glossy red, but her expression did not reflect their mood. As far as size goes, she was far from towering, and her figure was quite slim. However, in spite of this, boobs were slammin'.

"Welcome to Waldo's Waffle House. How'd you find us?" She said in a monotone, giving a fake, procedural laugh. I felt her in my soul. It was epic...I asked her what her name was.

"I'm wearing a name tag," she sighed, "Our special today is Roffle Waffle with pwn sauce, but I suppose you wanna smoke sausage." Kinda, yeah.

Things were uneventful for the next few minutes, when I heard her again, this time further across the room.

"Welcome to Waldo's Waffle House. How'd you find us?" She said in a monotone, giving a fake, procedural laugh. She was talking about our conversation! She's telling fake lies about me, that (expletive)! I want her to burn in (expletive) so bad right now! I got up and stormed over to her.

"You (expletive) (expletive)! I'm going to (expletive) (expletive) you, and then (expletive) your (expletive) with (expletive) (expletive) (expletive) (expletive)! (EXPLETIVE)! She didn't move, stir, or even make a sound. She stood there, eyes down, sighing, occasionally coughing. She then continued her spiel, telling the (EXPLETIVE) troll at the table about the specials. She had successfully broken my heart. I tried so hard to please her, but I messed up one time and she just cast me away. I was used for what I was worth and then hung out to dry. This made me crazy. She ruined my life at that moment.

The manager told me to calm down, and I called him an (expletive), took my clothes off, and started swinging from the chandeliers, making ape noises. Is that so wrong? Why did he have to call the police?

I was banned there, but I can't let those fools think that they are smarter than me. They are smart, but they are fools, and I see right through them. Heh. I sneak back in occasionally, with a different disguise each time, but they see through me somehow. How would they know it was me? All I did is ask if any of the waitresses were (expletive) (expletives) who broke people's hearts for no reason. I don't deserve this.

Which brings us today. The restaurant got tired of me, so they created a mechanism to keep me out. It is a tube-like vacuum, to which everyone in the city (except me) gets a key. They use their keys, and they open a chamber, and the door closes behind them. The vacuum activates, and sucks anyone in it into the restaurant, where they land safely in the waiting area. I've observed every nook and cranny of this mechanism from the outside. For the past eight months, I have been here, standing, staring...being...I understand how it works. I understand the physics behind it. But I can't use it. I need one of those keys.

Occasionally, I am able to leap out of the bushes JUST as someone opens the mechanism, and am momentarily sucked into the restaurant with them. This worked a few times, but then the city started giving citizens permission to carry automatic weapons into the restaurant with them to defend themselves.

And now, I just watch her. She ruined my life, and now I will ruin hers.


End file.
